Poe Prizes Aplenty
6 hours ago
How Do You Handle Doubt?
Posted on | Thursday, December 29, 2011 | No Comments
To a writer, there's nothing worse than doubt. That cold, self-cannibalizing feeling that no matter how often and how doggedly you do it, you can't really write. I've been struggling with this shroud for the whole of this week, and remain tangled amongst its threads.
The problem is of course, there are more "what ifs" than I care to have in my life right now. What if I fail at becoming a crime writer? What if my new teaching job doesn't bring me the satisfaction I am looking for? What if my future students are nightmarish kiasus hell-bent on making my life miserable? What if I become hell-bent on making their lives miserable?
The problem is of course, there are more "what ifs" than I care to have in my life right now. What if I fail at becoming a crime writer? What if my new teaching job doesn't bring me the satisfaction I am looking for? What if my future students are nightmarish kiasus hell-bent on making my life miserable? What if I become hell-bent on making their lives miserable?
Where is all this coming from, you say? A dinner conversation with my landlord, who until recently was a struggling cinematographer, may have something to do with my doubt. He's 50 and has been in his field all his adult life. Making it at FIFTY after struggling for years. That is a scary thought, considering I was hoping to publish my first work by the time I turn 35. What if I too, made it only in my fifties? What if I never make it? (Yikes!)
The result is that I haven't written a word since that conversation. I know I should, because I enjoy it. But my self-doubt stubbornly clings to me, pulling me away from what comes naturally to me. So much so that I almost believe now that I don't want to write. And that is making me miserable.
But wait, hang on a sec. Doesn't doubt have a shelf life? Does it not disappear when it's out in the open? Wiser writers continue to write although it's hard work. And why do I keep thinking of "Bee Movie" while I'm writing this? I've just remembered some dialogue from the movie which described how humans say that bees are not supposed to fly because they have bigger bodies than they do wings, but bees fly anyway.
What does that mean to a struggling writer, that I should write anyway while my brain continues toying with itself? Improbable, at this point, but not impossible I think. I'm going to sit on this for a bit and let it sink in. And stay away from career-related conversations with my landlord.
But wait, hang on a sec. Doesn't doubt have a shelf life? Does it not disappear when it's out in the open? Wiser writers continue to write although it's hard work. And why do I keep thinking of "Bee Movie" while I'm writing this? I've just remembered some dialogue from the movie which described how humans say that bees are not supposed to fly because they have bigger bodies than they do wings, but bees fly anyway.
What does that mean to a struggling writer, that I should write anyway while my brain continues toying with itself? Improbable, at this point, but not impossible I think. I'm going to sit on this for a bit and let it sink in. And stay away from career-related conversations with my landlord.
Category:
the writing life
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